Wednesday, April 06, 2016

Sleepless nights

A sense of impending doom.
Sometimes that's how your whole day feels like. So you can't gather the strength to get dressed and go out. It can get so bad, that instead of going 5 blocks to the supermarket to get food, you eat whatever you can find. That can go from pasta with tomato sauce, if you're lucky and you still have useful things left, to pasta with just an oil and salt and pepper "dressing ", to cereal without milk. For dinner. And when you sit down and eat your delicious meal, you think to yourself: nice! I make something out of a bad situation, I didn't even have to go out. But when you're done, and it hits you, you couldn't even go out to get food. Have the smallest of interaction with people, and get food. You'll rather eat dry cereal than get out of your pajamas and go out. This makes you realize what time it is. Most of the day is gone by now, so actually trying to do something just doesn't seem worth it. It's gone. So off to bed we go, trying not to give in and stay awake most of the night, so you can get a good night sleep, wake up early and seize the day! But when you finally put down the book you're reading, helping you escape reality, it's almost midnight, and you lay awake trying to ignore the diferente voices in your head telling you how much you suck, and much you'll  continue to suck, no matter what. So this wakes you up even more than you already are, and decide that no, you won't suck! Tomorrow you will actually do something!! You'll stop being afraid! Stop pitying yourself and do! And now is almost 2 am, which means you will not wake up early, and the voices laugh at you, not hard, they are laughing at themselves thou, but just enough for it to hurt, and make you weak, and fold in half as you lay awake in bed and start feeling bad once again.
Let's do this again tomorrow.

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