Monday, December 08, 2014

Final de la serie, para spike

Hey! Hola, se que es raro que te escriba, despues de tanto tiempo de no hablar, pero de todas las personas con las que podria platicar hoy, siento que solo tu me entenderas.
Despues de muchos años de evitarlo, de negarlo tal vez, hoy vi el final de  buffy. Aunque suene extraño, o poco creible, no lo habia visto, no lo habia querido ver.
Siento que una parte de mi murio hoy, siento que se acabo parte de la magia. Todo este tiempo, mas hace años que ahora, el final lo rehacía segun mi estado. A veces moria y la elegida salvaba al mundo, otras ella triunfaba. En ocasiones casi todos morian, habia dias que ninguno. A veces acababa con spike, pero la mayoria regresaba con angel, pero siempre podia cambiar el final, rehacerlo a mi gusto, a veces simplemente omitia la ultima temporada y continuaba luchando por siempre, contra el mal, a veces peor que otras, unas tan solo misiones sencillas de cazar vampiros sin ningun poder especial. Pero hoy se acabo. Hoy vi a anya y a spike morir, hoy mori un poco yo.
Te platico esto por que tu eras spike, no en el sentido pleno, pero siempre quien creyo en mi, quien no se burlo, quien me daba alas a seguir soñando dentro de ese mundo. Fuiste a quien ame pero nunca lo hice en realidad, y aun asi no dejaste mi lado, quien me regalo un llavero que hizo en forma de estaca, y una estaca de tamaño real que sigue colgada en mi cuarto.
Hoy pierdo una parte de mi, un sueño que tenia, una ilusion, y se que tu entenderias, tal vez me consolarias.
Esta carta tal vez la reaga un par de veces, probablemente no, y algun dia me anime a mandartela o platicarte de frente, aunque creo que se quedara aqui, sin leer, solo para poder darme un poco de tranquilidad y calma mental (llegue a casa con ansiedad, con sensacion de vacio), asi que puede que haya cumplido su cometido con tan solo salir de mi cabeza, pero nunca se sabe, a lo mejor un dia si te hable para platicar. Gracias

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Dream a little dream

I want to sleep, I can't, but I want.
It get harder to stay awake, to be me, to avoid going into daydreams, to stop fantasizing about everything. What keeps me happy is my mind, a mind that lets me be someone else, one that doesn't exist, one who I actually like, one that lets me be the characters in the books, that lets me dream amazing things, so that I don't want to wake up, a mind that makes my daydreaming soo real, too real, where I can smell, taste, and even touch, making this reality confusing, sometimes imaginary, maybe the dream I keep having in my other life. It becomes hard to stay here, to remember this is where I am, that I can't actually stop and let myself be completely taken by what I want it to be, what I dream, what I creat it to be.
It's not the first time I creat a world, a perfect world, one where I run off to and hide, where I can be happy, where I enjoy being me. It starts with an idea, a wish, and it builds from there, suddenly the smells are real, and if I come across them here, I'm taken back, a fall through to my own magic place, and coming back gets harder each time. As time goes by, I can taste the food, I can enjoy the drinks, and before I know it, I can even touch. I can feel. I'm there.
When I know I'm gone, when I know it's real, for me, is when I know the people in my world can feel it too, can touch, can smell, and they look for me.
I've tried anchors, looking up players in this play, keeping in mind that they are real, that in this world we don't meet, knowing they have a life, completely separate from me, not knowing who I am, not wondering who or where I might be, it's what helps me stay here. But it gets hard. I start making this facts fake, I start making this life and theirs the lie, and then I go deeper, I am gone.
I am now lost, separating the lie from my life gets harder, I stop listening to people because I'm gone, I don't remember parts of drives because I don't drive them, it's not me, I'm somewhere else. And I wish I was.

Thursday, July 03, 2014

8

After that, you started getting stronger. You could get in and out of bed (a toy crib), you ate watered dog food, and you started to play.
Seeing you get curios, wag your tail, run and play, was all I needed to be happy.
Pups grow soo fast, and you did too! We were told you would be small, at best medium, but you grew, baby, you were big. :)

Today

The need to feel blood grew stronger each day
The need to go back to that darkness was getting harder to resist
Yet she still tried
Yet she still felt
Even if it was a fading light, getting dimmer, loosing strength