Thursday, September 22, 2016

French class

So I started French this week. It took all my efforts not to curl in a ball and cry when I went to register (tried doing it as simple as possible, ended up doing three stupid trips), but I enrolled and started on Monday. First day, some what ok (teacher needs a teaching class, but I think second day went a bit better). So today we went over numbers, not the whole class, just part of it. And at the end, the teacher did a girls vs boys who could write the numbers faster and correct (obvs). If you suffer anxiety, this sounds like hell! I saw myself tripping, getting all of them wrong, and so on, I was sweating by the time we started (about 20 seconds). And then comes the part where my competitive side comes out and I almost shout at the guy trying to beat me "yeah bitch!" Fortunately I caught myself in time and stopped at "yeah...!" Arms out, triumphant, and two guys asking why are you so intense? Like, wtf? It's a competition!!! And I'm not having an anxiety attack! I'll kick your asses!!!! And then one guy did have a mild attack and I felt bad for him but was to pumped to stop and try to help, cus we were winning. Yes, I suck sometimes. But I won! I mean, we won!!! So there!!
I did end up looking expectedly at the teacher waiting for her to say: and the overall winner is....but she didn't, and I was a little disappointed because she had a Reese's kisses on her table and really was hoping that that was the price, but I went out for tacos afterwards and didn't give myself acid reflux, so I'm counting that as my price, and a double win!
The look on the teacher did seem like she realized what a bad exercise that was (I wasn't the only girl getting overly competitive, and we bonded over that, at least in my head, so I'm counting it). Let's see if we get to do that again! But with chocolate please! Make me want it even more!!!!
Oh! And kudos to me for resisting the urge to grab all the markers, throw all but one, and scream: how you gonna write now bitch?! I did not do that!!!!!

Sunday, September 04, 2016

A buzzfeed video made me think!

Sometimes you'll find that something completely random affects you in a way you didn't expect. such is my case, I was watching buzz feed videos the other day (and I tend to find something and obsess over it, so I'm still watching them), and I saw a "when should you brake up with someone", in the single vs married vids. So maybe not a blow in the dark, I mean, it's right there in the title right? But when my favorite character (is it a character? I have no idea how to call them, actors? Personas? Help!!!) well, the single part of the video, said, point blankly, you should brake up when you first think about breaking up.
so did this make me break up with my partner? No, not really. But it did make me think. I've never been a quick break, strong, self-loving kind of girl. I'm more of a keep quiet, hold on, you can make it, fuck this shit!!!! Kind of gal. Yes, not ok, I'm well aware of it. Anyways, it did make me think that at least years back, it didn't take me long to end a relationship. I could detect when I was making excuses for the guy, mostly for my self (he's tired, he didn't want to, he loves you but, you don't deserve him), take some time to gather myself and quickly make the decision to end things. It would hurt, yes, but it was for the best. I was not happy, and clearly they weren't either, or why act like ass-holes?
But my last relationship, well, that was fun!!! I won't go into it much, basically I admitted that I had depression and anxiety, and used him as crutches, so it was hard to let go of a abusive and loveless thing. And that brings us back to now. I saw the video and I started to wonder, when was the right time to break up with someone?
How long do you wait to end things? How long is it ok to keep up with some (or a lot) of crap? I realized she had it right. If you think of breaking up with someone (really think it), it means something is not right. And being humans, the chances of having a real talk about that thing that caused the thought, or actually pin pointing what did, and being willing to change and/or fix it, are small, slim, next to none (don't get mad at me, some people out there are good at this, and are willing to hear and change if it's reasonable, obviously), so when you first think it should be over, it actually should be over.
Maybe you don't agree, and I don't live by this philosophy (yet don't call me hypocrite, I'm only emptying my mind here), but think about it. If something bothers you, and you're not able to talk it through, it will probably eat at you, slowly, maybe not every day, but growing, until to start to resent that person, until you end up wondering more frequently what the hell happened? Why are you begging for affection? Why are you constantly worrying he/she will end things? Why are you hoping they will? (Yet would be devastated and pissed if they did it before you) Why do you end up remembering how good it was before? (And hoping for it to go back to that) Why are you thinking more and more that maybe, maybe, you should brake up?
so just a thought
the video is on buzzfeed, single vs married, Ned and kelsey (who is the best btw), just in case you were wondering (and just in case you are easily led to YouTube videos to waste your day, in which case you are welcome!!!)
and goodbye!!