Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Downward spiral

As the month ends, it's clear my insomnia is back. I tried brushing it off, and blaming stress, specifically triggered episodes, but now I know better.
And the paranoid thoughts are becoming more constant, more hurting and harder to distinguish from reality
I spent 99% of my energy yesterday cleaning just one room, that was 20 minutes, tops! The other 1% was spent trying not to go back to bed. After an hour, it was spent. So I slept. I made myself wake up, because my roommate came home, and I was ashamed of her seeing me like that. Then I had some more energy, so I decided to go buy things I needed and had been pushing back. Forgot the ink cartridge, and didn't know the number, so that was a wasted trip. And made me not at home when you went by. So I tried to sleep. After 3 am I gave up. But today was the same. I just feel like letting go. Giving up. I had a quick thought of crashing my car, good thing it was just a second and it passed.
I feel lost.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Insomnia is coming

The horrible part of feeling you should be doing more with your life, not because it's not enough, but because it's what everyone else is doing. It's expected.
But when I think about it, an overwhelming sense of doing something I don't want to comes over me. Then, a feeling of complete failure if I even try, and letting down so many people, and hearing others say that was expected of me.
I feel stuck, but just because I was forced to think about it today. Yesterday I was fine. I heard my roommate how sad she felt, and how she didn't want to go to any of her jobs because they didn't fill her. And I felt bad, because I was thinking I was going to read that night, and was deciding what.
I love my job, maybe I could look for a better one (same field that's not even a question), but I don't want to think of my job as something horrible. I don't want to not want to go to work. I don't want my job to make me sad.
I know if I tried to do something more, I would love it. I always do. But I don't want to lose what little of me I've gotten back. I don't want to miss the simple days. Not again.
I don't want to stop reading again, or miss my dogs, or home.
I don't want to feel like this because of you! Because the main problem is that every time you "casually" bring it up, you make me feel ashamed, you make it sound like I've accomplished nothing, and that I'm a failure to you. I can't stop feeling anxious when I see the call, because I know how fucked up I'll feel afterwards.

It's been a month I think, that I've notice my insomnia coming back. It's not to bad, yet. But instead of falling asleep quickly, I toss and turn, and think and re-think. the I fall asleep, but it's a very superficial sleep, and I wake very easy, and that's when it goes wrong (the thinking ). I've tried just lying there. I know I'll make it worse if a grab my phone, tablet, book, but it's getting harder just tossing and turning.

Monday, February 08, 2016

Will there ever be trust?
If the beginning was founded upon lies
Can the love be matched?
If it was never there to begin with
Should you move forward and accept what it is?
If it was never true

The lying, the new age cheating, the ignoring and pushing aside
The pain that you let this happen, over and over, even if you like to think of yourself as strong
Hearing your heart break, every passing day
How horrible you feel when with a kiss, he puts it back together
To hold a bit longer, to take one more punch, to stand one more push
And you smile
For today maybe he realized he loves you
Today, he might see you as you see him
So you stand along him, supporting, chearing, caring
Even if he never looks at you
Even if you are invisible
You hold
You fight
And everyday you break