Thursday, January 01, 2015


in a numb state, getting for the second time in my life why people say would have doesnt exist
keep wishing i could close my eyes and wake up yesterday, just run down stairs, or look through the window, or kept on walking, yelling, kept on driving
i keep thinking maybe i should of walked/drove one more block, one more, and i would of found her
my heart keeps telling me someone will call, someone with a heart, a good heart will find her and call
my head tells me what i already know, the more hours go by, the less chances of ever finding her, of ever seeing her again
she was part of my plan, we were going to go away together, she was going to see the snow for the first time, get it tangled in her hair, jump in and out, have the time of her life, then dry off and sit by the fire (heat), we were going to go together on that plain, everything was going to be ok, because we were together, we had each other
and now all i want to do is sit still, go out again, keep driving, and then i start  crying again, it stops, and i cant feel anything
maybe thats for the best, i dont feel pain, but i  think of ending everything again, i tell myself someone will call, i will find her, i just need to keep going, see if i still have a job, eat (i keep forgetting)
and then i cry again
i tried doing my thing, one year of yoga, i was exited for today, i started a 30 day challenge, i tried, and i started crying again, how can i go on with my life if she is not here? she is not there to greet me and on standing bend, she doesnt lick the sweat of my face, she doesnt try to play when i do a low plank
im cold, then i forget
i want to sleep and i cant
i hug my other dogs, they are not at fault, but then i cry again
i keep going outside, all the way to the street, shell be there, trying to figure out which way to go, shell see me, shell run
but its empty
i cant scream anymore
my knee hurts, my arms hurt, my feet hurt
i dont know what to do

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