Tuesday, May 19, 2015

no chick flicks

it starts with a girl

a little girl introduced to fairy tales
to a magical world of princesses and princes, witches, ogres, fairies, and everything else
and her mind goes off

day in day out, her head is filled with wonderful stories, she can visit different worlds, magical worlds, with just closing her eyes, and her heart starts to believe in true love

reading her stories, watching the movies, playing every day, dreaming every hour
she hopes, she knows, one day her blue prince will come and take her off her feet
and thats the moment everything goes wrong

the years go by, and she starts to like real boys, and the feeling of meeting her one and true love seems closer every day, she can almost grasp it

so she closes her eyes, and lets her mind go as only she knows how

and the day comes, when she meets her first love
a beautiful day, a great day
and he likes her back
her story just begins

her nightmare is just about to begin

shes introduced to a world of donts
shes introduced to a part of her head she never knew
she never met
she wasnt warned about it either

but still, she is young, heart and mind futile
and makes the decision to look for a different love
since no blue prince has met her yet
she needs to keep looking

she makes her first mistake
being liked by someone, being adored
its not the same as love, its not enough to love,
even like, someone

so she waits, she doesnt have to wait long
she meets prince charming
she feels magic
she feels love
she feels special

the are roses, dozen of roses
almost everyday
calls, text, letters
everything is special
she feels special

and the it ends

she learns whats like to loose love
to feel empty
to wantto curl in a corner and just die

but she gets up
its hard, its really hard,
and hurts like hell,
but she does it

some time latter another boy
this one just adores her (again)
hes sweet, funny, knows what he wants
a perfect guy

and her heart is still with that one sweet prince
and she misses the roses, the sweet smell of the roses
and the feeling she got when one appeared

so she breaks his heart
and keeps remembering that one great one
and keeps hoping he was not the one
that her prince is yet to come

by now her head is just swirling,
sweetly whispering in her ears,
-you see? its gone, it wasnt even real, wasnt even going to work, it will never work, it will never happen, and if it does, youll find a way to fuck it all up. can you feel it? its just you, no happy ending, no prince charming, just a life of being alone

even a whisper can make you want to cry
and hearing it come from your own mind?
the one that makes you travel all those wonderful worlds
betraying you
hurting you
it takes a long, long time to fully understand what lives up there

and so one day, he is there
he is blond, blue eyes, thin, muscular, wow!!!
and he smiles at her

she is gone, gone, gone
and after a while?
he wants her!
her head lies dormant, she couldnt be happier
she is floating through life

time goes by, she might get weird thoughts, strange feelings,
but she pushes them back
they are not real
they cannot be

and little by little, she forgets to dream
she feels there is only one way to be
and that is to make him happy
to do as he says
she feels she is worth something,
only because he is with her

so one day it had to end

she should of just let it go,
but she couldnt
she felt as if it was her fault,
she had failed because she was loosing him

and the worst part? all her fears had been proven right
the bad feelings shed had? spot on
but she pushed trough them
she thought she could forgive...

and the voice became  two
the whisper was no more,
it was loud and clear
and it was all her fault

she let herself be taken into the darkness,
be wrapped in its blankets, and feel warm
she felt at home

she was not taken that day
and what hurt more was not knowing what she had tried
but waking up and realizing she was still here

it took a week of physical pain
but she got up

and she met him

he was like her
he liked to dream
and most of all, he liked to laugh, and loved to make her laugh
it was great at the beginning, it  was perfect
but he was not
he could not cope with her life
he doubted everything
and she had met someone else
had chosen him over,
but her heart could not let go
it took a while for her to realize this,
and the voices came to her again

she broke his heart
he broke her heart
but it took her a long time to realize that they where even
it might not have been equal, but the end result was the same
two broken hearts
and a lot of blame to pass around

some not too close a prince candidate came by
she knew that
but at the time it was fun

and again she met him
the one she thought it could be
he knew what he wanted,
and he wanted her

and again, the doubt
the pain
the voices in her head telling her it was a lie
making feel she was less than nothing
she was just a thing to make time
she went back to that time she dismissed her feelings,
she thought she was wrong, and how bad it had gone
so she decided to end it before her heart broke
and it was bad
letting go when you love someone? terrible
letting go when someone loves you? horrible

and then the real relationship began

the voices grew
not two, or three,
too many to count
too many to keep track of

they made her relive everything
they explained how everything had been her fault
they tried to explain to her why every fairy tale she had ever read was a lie
that some people did get their happy ending, but it just wasnt made for her
she would roam alone, she would feel alone
but she just had to deal with it
it was just the way it was

she learned to escape this world
she had remembered how to let go,
to fall in order to go
she could spend hours away
she was happy there

but keeping the voices away was hard
since she no longer had someone,
and the continuous reminder that no one would love her didnt do much to her now
they changed their tune

she is worth nothing

getting out of bed was hard
smiling was hard, but trying to explain what was wrong was not an option,
she was warned against it
every single time
every single relationship
every voice in her head
you must not complain
it hurts? just the fuck up!
no one cares!!!!
and you are wrong

so try to find an escape
a way out
something to make you feel alive again

and here comes one of the biggest mistakes

she made the decision
and she made herself believe thats just what she wanted

the voices kept talking, but she ignored them
they had made her feel worthless so many times,
she felt it was time to tune them out,
to try and trust, to try and feel

and here is the kicker
they where right
she could try and ignore them
she could let the feeling pass, that something was wrong
and she tried

little by little,
day by day
she got smaller
smiling was painful
waking up was hard
and every day he reminded her she was supposed to love him
to serve him
to treat him like he deserved
but get nothing in return
thats the way it was

it was hard
it was too long
she was almost gone
having to deal with wanting to kill
she could handle that
but when she thought i kill him or i kill me
that was enough
she had pardoned too much
she had let go so many things

and her head spoke again

we told you soo
we warned you
you will always be alone
there is no one out there that could ever love you
and the few ones that could, are not true,
will only hurt you
there is no one, who can deal with you
we will make sure of that
the second you think everything is going right
we'll come back
we'll mess it up
just try us

and boy did they

so i guess im supposed to be alone
or ill just fuck everything up
and no one deserves that
specially someone i love

but im done with the chick flicks
done with the fairy tales
i cant let myself believe in prince charming or happy endings
because its not happening to me

and then i see you
and all the promises i made myself are gone

hello voices
thank you soo much
i was beginning to hope
i was madly in love
but you wont let me be
youll always fill my head with every single thought, feeling, dread, and make feel i dont deserve this

and hell if its working
im making it go wrong
im messing everything up
im making you want to run
im hurting myself
i feel i dont deserve love

could it be that at the end it will be just me with my head?

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