I need you

Ive heard your link in your collar. Ive felt the bed move like when you got on it. Yet i can not see you. And i wish i could. I wish i could feel you. Touch you, pet you. I wish i could scratch you.
I miss your smell. Your wet dog smell. The smell of your puke. Even if i hatted it. I miss it. I need it.
I need you.

I am sorry

You came with the best intentions, and im soo sorry i had to say no.
Ive been dealing (not really), with the death of my dog. My best friend.
And one of my best friends came today and gave me her grabdpup she loves the most.
i couldnt handle it. I told her most of what i felt; im not emotionatly stable to love another dog, also working on me (not going well), and taking care of my other dogs. That means expensive food for three dogs and a cat. Ive spent over 2000 dlls on my dogs in the last year. I cant hande another dog.
But what i didnt tell her, what i was scared to say, looking into those beautiful eyes (dog has best crazy eyes ever), was that i was, am, scared of resenting the pup, treatening him badly, because i would feel guilty.
im a wreck.
im depressed.
im drinking.
im soo sorry! Im scared shell resent me.
im soo scared.

Emotions

Having a ruff month. Hell, over a month. And as one does, trying to coup. (Hahaha kidding not doing well). Was just thinking, cus ive been watching too much youtube, how do men coup? (Is that a word?) ive done horrible. Cant stop crying at random times, fortunately (hate this doesnt have autocorrect), its stopped during the day, and i just get undone during the night. But, do they feel soo bad? Do they cry like this? Does it hurt as bad?
im trying to deal with the death of my best friend. Im a mess. Alcohol seems to help sleep and numb everything. But just watching random videos, i got curios. Does it hurt as bad and guys just hide it better? Or its the same throw your life away type of thing?

Not ok

After years of battling depresion, she finally got a dog. One turned into two, then three, then four. Plus her cat, they where six.
She thought she had it all figured out. It was good. They where good.
Nothing like coming home from a stressfull day to happy wagging tails, lots of kisses and hugs.
and she had qon the jack pot! Every dog is special, but she was different. She was smart, she traied her hardest to comunicate. She had a horrible pannic attac the day she fell. Even after crying out off fear and pain, she realized her dog was actually worried if she was ok.
her life was gonna get better. She made plans. Even battling anxiety and depression, she wanted to go for it. She promissed her they would leave.
it took one day to end it. She peed blood, so she rushed her to the vet. They started antibiotics and got blood work. Next day was looking better. Until the results. They where heartbreaking, her liver qas failing. Still, she seemed better. Not that night. She got limp. Next morning, missing work, she got her to the doctor. They started medication and by night she seemed to do better.
She visited on the next morning. She was not ok, but hangging on, so she had to trust the doctors.
less than 5 hours latter she got the call.
her workd crumbled.
her fears started again.
her girl, her pup, her little person, was gone.
and she realized what a blessing and an obsession, as her dad liked to point out, her dogs where. She felt herself falling. Straight. No stops. And her other dogs whwre the ones that saved her. She realized how easy it was to break the years of therapy and working on yourself where to undo.
she needed the pain. She wanted to leave.
she is bearly hangging on.
being sad for is not the same aa understanding.
you had to meet her to fully understand why it hurt soo much.
And she keeps bearly hangging on.

Laika

My best friend just died
i dont know what to do
i dont know how to cntinue
i want to hurt myself again
i want to die

One of those days

Its one of those days when you cant make your head stay quiet. I cant help feel worthless, defeated, a waste. I feel bad, i feel sad. I want to run, just run and hide.

French class

So I started French this week. It took all my efforts not to curl in a ball and cry when I went to register (tried doing it as simple as possible, ended up doing three stupid trips), but I enrolled and started on Monday. First day, some what ok (teacher needs a teaching class, but I think second day went a bit better). So today we went over numbers, not the whole class, just part of it. And at the end, the teacher did a girls vs boys who could write the numbers faster and correct (obvs). If you suffer anxiety, this sounds like hell! I saw myself tripping, getting all of them wrong, and so on, I was sweating by the time we started (about 20 seconds). And then comes the part where my competitive side comes out and I almost shout at the guy trying to beat me "yeah bitch!" Fortunately I caught myself in time and stopped at "yeah...!" Arms out, triumphant, and two guys asking why are you so intense? Like, wtf? It's a competition!!! And I'm not having an anxiety attack! I'll kick your asses!!!! And then one guy did have a mild attack and I felt bad for him but was to pumped to stop and try to help, cus we were winning. Yes, I suck sometimes. But I won! I mean, we won!!! So there!!
I did end up looking expectedly at the teacher waiting for her to say: and the overall winner is....but she didn't, and I was a little disappointed because she had a Reese's kisses on her table and really was hoping that that was the price, but I went out for tacos afterwards and didn't give myself acid reflux, so I'm counting that as my price, and a double win!
The look on the teacher did seem like she realized what a bad exercise that was (I wasn't the only girl getting overly competitive, and we bonded over that, at least in my head, so I'm counting it). Let's see if we get to do that again! But with chocolate please! Make me want it even more!!!!
Oh! And kudos to me for resisting the urge to grab all the markers, throw all but one, and scream: how you gonna write now bitch?! I did not do that!!!!!

When you are reminded of how alone you are

Im usually good at ignoring being alone (living alone, i do have friends and family, which i keep at arms lenght but thats another thing), but today it made me cry. It a stupi (not so much) fall. ‘Cus im super agile, i got my foot stuck when it was up, and took the step, falling and hiting the floor with my knees, then my first foot came loose from where it was stuck, hitting the floor with my ankle (dont know the name in english, but external “maleolo”, there, thats its name in spanish). So that made me cry of pain, and afterwardsi started crying because im alone and no one would of known, if my head had hitting something hard and not the bed. Now im in pain, and gladly ignoring how alone and sad i now feel by binge watching series on netflix. O yeah and after some hours, this is the only place i can think of to vent. I thought of facebook, nope, instagram and a pic of my knee? Nope, only cute pics there right?, twiter? Good optionbut people do answer and i do have some friends in there, so nope. Here, havent gotten a response that wasnt spam in a long time, so i think we are good.
i vent here, i take out of my head, and i feel a bit better.

Forgoten

How quick to say goodbye when other eyes can fill your own
How easy to forget if a warm body is next to you
Still cant make out why would you even start what once was our love, if there was no reason to pursue it
I keep thinking it was fun for you, or maybe just a second of missing what it was
But still my heart was played to think to dream
A double curse, how easy i forget
How fast i let go of the hurt of the pain and start dreaming again
another warning then, to my heart, to my brain
be aware
dont trust
dont dream