And now I feel stupid for saying those words
And now I regret not staying shut-up
I thought I was doing right
Not bothering, letting things be
And yet again you show me just how wrong I can be
I don't get why you play me
I don't know why you keep me
If you hate me so much
If there isn't love
Why won't you just leave me?
Stop hurting me so
What's the point of dragging this on?
Of being loving and caring when you feel me go
But turning around the second I think,
Maybe, just maybe, I'm wrong
And love is what you feel

Let's hold hands and pretend it doesn't bother you
Let's hug and kiss and public like a normal couple
Let's pretend tonight that we are in love and everything's fine

Hold my hand like you actually want to
Hug me tight and never let go
Kiss me in public, melt my fears away
Show me you love me, it's not all pretend

The moment you choose to leave
There is no trace of me in your life
No one will know
You will forget

The moment you leave me
I'll be surrounded by painful memories
I'll delete photos that I have shared
I will cry and hurt

I want my good nights
I need my "good morning"
But begging for them is slowly killing me
Not accepting I'm not your forever
Is taking a toll

How could I let my walls down?
Years just melted away for you
How can I love you this much?
If I'm nothing to you

I still have to figure out what was the plan?
Why did you seek me?
Why make me dream?

Y esta es la razón por la que permanecerás sola
No sabes callar en un mundo donde no esta bien sentir
No sabes esconderte en un lugar dondo no debes romperte
Seguir las reglas fue lo que te quebró la primera vez
Tratar de rehacerte es un enorme error
Que tu mente este revuelta, tus ideas confundidas,
Tus sentimientos hirviendo y mezclados entre si,
Son los que harán que pierdas todo,
Son los que te dejaran sola de nuevo,
Donde una vez te diste cuenta que debías estar,
Pero tontamente quisiste amar,
Y aun, no sabes callar
Por que no permaneces en silencio? Aunque duela por dentro
Por que tienes que mostrar lo que sientes? Si nada bueno queda
Por que te ilusionas? Si sabes que no hay quien te cache,
Cuando inevitablemente caigas
Te estrelles
Te rompas de nuevo
Y le extiendes tus brazos
Le gritas por favor
Le suplicas con los ojos que te quiera
Y que te paso?
Te dormiste llorando otra vez?
Despertaste con miedo hoy?
Tu corazón late rápido con cada minuto que pasa y no sabes nada de el?
Tu cabeza te esta diciendo que ya sabes que sigue? Pero tu sigues con la esperanza de un hola,
un buenos días, como estas? Un te quiero
Pero por que quieres llorar?
Tu sabes que sigue
Sola otra vez

Y me doy cuenta que la unica forma que quieras estar conmigo es si callo

No moon to shine tonight
The mental pain is greater than the one my body feels
No cuteness noticed
No love demonstration felt
How dumb to think I could finally be me
How stupid to believe you would be the one to notice
And my heart still jumps when I hear from you
My stomach turns thinking that's you
No flowers no thank yous
And yet I still believe

One day you'll notice
One day you'll care
One day you'll see all I do all I feel

Till then I'll keep dreaming
I'll stay in my far away land
Where your face lights when you see me
Your heart beats faster when you think of me

When your mind is on me
And you've stopped all the lying
For you've finally love me

Till then
I'll stay gone
For I only keep hurting myself
And I don't want to hurt you

I'll say goodnight to myself
For none is coming from you

Sera pura paranoia
O sera que asi de mal quede
Sera todo distinto
O seras igual que el

Trato, trato, realmente trato de no dejar mi mente correr
Pero cuando las acciones se vuelven exactamente las mismas
Es tan difícil creer, que pudiera haber otra explicación
Ya intente justificarlo, ya intente ignorarlo

Como puedo creer que sea solo yo quien crea complicados laberintos,
Cuando las cosas son rectas, claras, y no todo debe doler
Si haces lo mismo por lo que ya pase
Si te portas igual como quien me daño

Tener que pelear conmigo misma para evitar gritar que me quiero morir
Cerrar los ojos tan fuerte, que las lagrimas no puedan fluir
Sentir que a pesar de que te vas con otras, en mente tal vez
Seré yo quien te aparte, por no saber, poder explicar lo que siento,

O explicar de mas

Quiero enseñarte como ya has grabado tu nombre
Pero yo en ti no lo logro
Como quiero presumir al mundo entero que te tengo
Pero tu te niegas a mostrarme

Seré tan bruta que seguiré las mismas huellas que ya antes he pisado?
Será que las cosas son mas sencillas y tan solo debo preguntar?
O recuerdo ya haberlo hecho, obtenido una respuesta
Aceptado esta, con sonrisa, para luego entender que es a mi a quien escondes

Por que no eres así con el resto del mundo
Por que no eras así en otras vidas
Por que me escondes con quien hablas
Y escondes que hablas conmigo

Seré por siempre quien te ame
Y permaneceré en la sombras, un recuerdo vago, cuando te deshagas de mi
Seré quien llore por las noches
Mientras hagas a otras sonreír

O estaré de plano loca?
Creando telarañas
Levantando enredaderas
Donde tan solo debí preguntar

Y aun así, no quiero saber, aun no
Ya que de ambas formas te pierdo
Cualquier respuesta estará mal
Por que ya se, ya lo viví, se que sigue, se que es

And falling I go
Asking to be caught
And no arms go up
So I'll eventually hit the floor

The blow won't be the worst
What hurts more is that I was hopping it would be you
I wouldn't need to feel scared any more
For I would know your arms would be there to catch and hold me

I need your hug but I don't dare ask
I need you to say you love me, not just me too
I need to feel it's real, and not just dreath the day you'll leave me
I need to know I'm your one and only

And the days become dark as nights
But there is no moon to guide my way
It's warm, sticky warm, but still I keep shivering
I've gone silent, but the voices grow loud
It's me again, all because of me
Trying to stay positive grows harder
An imminent end seems to come
And I keep blaming myself
For the fairytale promises once made
And broken, dust covered, in a corner
Again
What started to be a beating heart
Is getting slower, silent almost
Longing for a touch
Wishing for a kiss
Hoping to still be loved
And yet you know none will come
Our fate you decided long, long ago
But you refused to let go
I refuse to let go
I don't know about you
But for me, is because I am in love

Let's stay seated while we watch time fly
Will keep wondering if it's time to get up and catch it
And all I'll hear is wait! Not just yet
I thought it was a sane voice trying to protect me
I felt it was the right thing to do

Now all I can do is watch
See everyone and everything go by
As I keep on daydreaming of all that was supposed to be

Hard as I tried, still I dove heart first, not waiting to feel the waters
Not looking for a tide
And all I can do is wait and see if I drown, wait and see if I float
For being rescued seems far far gone
I can't recall just when it changed, but it was fast, it left none alive

Am I wrong? Is it me again? Do I read too much into things?
Or is it just how it's meant to be?
My fears could be real, my head could be right, it's me, just me, and thats how I should be

Just give me time

Little by little, I'll be getting tired
Little by little, I'll stop waiting,
At first for small things,
At large, of everything
Give me enough time,
And I'll get stronger
Neglect me some more,
And you'll never find me
Keep forgetting about me
And when you open your eyes
I'll be long gone

no chick flicks

it starts with a girl

a little girl introduced to fairy tales
to a magical world of princesses and princes, witches, ogres, fairies, and everything else
and her mind goes off

day in day out, her head is filled with wonderful stories, she can visit different worlds, magical worlds, with just closing her eyes, and her heart starts to believe in true love

reading her stories, watching the movies, playing every day, dreaming every hour
she hopes, she knows, one day her blue prince will come and take her off her feet
and thats the moment everything goes wrong

the years go by, and she starts to like real boys, and the feeling of meeting her one and true love seems closer every day, she can almost grasp it

so she closes her eyes, and lets her mind go as only she knows how

and the day comes, when she meets her first love
a beautiful day, a great day
and he likes her back
her story just begins

her nightmare is just about to begin

shes introduced to a world of donts
shes introduced to a part of her head she never knew
she never met
she wasnt warned about it either

but still, she is young, heart and mind futile
and makes the decision to look for a different love
since no blue prince has met her yet
she needs to keep looking

she makes her first mistake
being liked by someone, being adored
its not the same as love, its not enough to love,
even like, someone

so she waits, she doesnt have to wait long
she meets prince charming
she feels magic
she feels love
she feels special

the are roses, dozen of roses
almost everyday
calls, text, letters
everything is special
she feels special

and the it ends

she learns whats like to loose love
to feel empty
to wantto curl in a corner and just die

but she gets up
its hard, its really hard,
and hurts like hell,
but she does it

some time latter another boy
this one just adores her (again)
hes sweet, funny, knows what he wants
a perfect guy

and her heart is still with that one sweet prince
and she misses the roses, the sweet smell of the roses
and the feeling she got when one appeared

so she breaks his heart
and keeps remembering that one great one
and keeps hoping he was not the one
that her prince is yet to come

by now her head is just swirling,
sweetly whispering in her ears,
-you see? its gone, it wasnt even real, wasnt even going to work, it will never work, it will never happen, and if it does, youll find a way to fuck it all up. can you feel it? its just you, no happy ending, no prince charming, just a life of being alone

even a whisper can make you want to cry
and hearing it come from your own mind?
the one that makes you travel all those wonderful worlds
betraying you
hurting you
it takes a long, long time to fully understand what lives up there

and so one day, he is there
he is blond, blue eyes, thin, muscular, wow!!!
and he smiles at her

she is gone, gone, gone
and after a while?
he wants her!
her head lies dormant, she couldnt be happier
she is floating through life

time goes by, she might get weird thoughts, strange feelings,
but she pushes them back
they are not real
they cannot be

and little by little, she forgets to dream
she feels there is only one way to be
and that is to make him happy
to do as he says
she feels she is worth something,
only because he is with her

so one day it had to end

she should of just let it go,
but she couldnt
she felt as if it was her fault,
she had failed because she was loosing him

and the worst part? all her fears had been proven right
the bad feelings shed had? spot on
but she pushed trough them
she thought she could forgive...

and the voice became  two
the whisper was no more,
it was loud and clear
and it was all her fault

she let herself be taken into the darkness,
be wrapped in its blankets, and feel warm
she felt at home

she was not taken that day
and what hurt more was not knowing what she had tried
but waking up and realizing she was still here

it took a week of physical pain
but she got up

and she met him

he was like her
he liked to dream
and most of all, he liked to laugh, and loved to make her laugh
it was great at the beginning, it  was perfect
but he was not
he could not cope with her life
he doubted everything
and she had met someone else
had chosen him over,
but her heart could not let go
it took a while for her to realize this,
and the voices came to her again

she broke his heart
he broke her heart
but it took her a long time to realize that they where even
it might not have been equal, but the end result was the same
two broken hearts
and a lot of blame to pass around

some not too close a prince candidate came by
she knew that
but at the time it was fun

and again she met him
the one she thought it could be
he knew what he wanted,
and he wanted her

and again, the doubt
the pain
the voices in her head telling her it was a lie
making feel she was less than nothing
she was just a thing to make time
she went back to that time she dismissed her feelings,
she thought she was wrong, and how bad it had gone
so she decided to end it before her heart broke
and it was bad
letting go when you love someone? terrible
letting go when someone loves you? horrible

and then the real relationship began

the voices grew
not two, or three,
too many to count
too many to keep track of

they made her relive everything
they explained how everything had been her fault
they tried to explain to her why every fairy tale she had ever read was a lie
that some people did get their happy ending, but it just wasnt made for her
she would roam alone, she would feel alone
but she just had to deal with it
it was just the way it was

she learned to escape this world
she had remembered how to let go,
to fall in order to go
she could spend hours away
she was happy there

but keeping the voices away was hard
since she no longer had someone,
and the continuous reminder that no one would love her didnt do much to her now
they changed their tune

she is worth nothing

getting out of bed was hard
smiling was hard, but trying to explain what was wrong was not an option,
she was warned against it
every single time
every single relationship
every voice in her head
you must not complain
it hurts? just the fuck up!
no one cares!!!!
and you are wrong

so try to find an escape
a way out
something to make you feel alive again

and here comes one of the biggest mistakes

she made the decision
and she made herself believe thats just what she wanted

the voices kept talking, but she ignored them
they had made her feel worthless so many times,
she felt it was time to tune them out,
to try and trust, to try and feel

and here is the kicker
they where right
again
she could try and ignore them
she could let the feeling pass, that something was wrong
and she tried

little by little,
day by day
she got smaller
smiling was painful
waking up was hard
and every day he reminded her she was supposed to love him
to serve him
to treat him like he deserved
but get nothing in return
thats the way it was

it was hard
it was too long
she was almost gone
having to deal with wanting to kill
she could handle that
but when she thought i kill him or i kill me
that was enough
she had pardoned too much
she had let go so many things

and her head spoke again

we told you soo
we warned you
you will always be alone
there is no one out there that could ever love you
and the few ones that could, are not true,
will only hurt you
there is no one, who can deal with you
we will make sure of that
the second you think everything is going right
we'll come back
we'll mess it up
just try us

and boy did they

so i guess im supposed to be alone
or ill just fuck everything up
and no one deserves that
specially someone i love

but im done with the chick flicks
done with the fairy tales
i cant let myself believe in prince charming or happy endings
because its not happening to me

and then i see you
and all the promises i made myself are gone

hello voices
thank you soo much
i was beginning to hope
i was madly in love
but you wont let me be
youll always fill my head with every single thought, feeling, dread, and make feel i dont deserve this

and hell if its working
im making it go wrong
im messing everything up
im making you want to run
im hurting myself
i feel i dont deserve love

could it be that at the end it will be just me with my head?

acompañame

Lo que no alcanzas a ver es que te he invitado a acompañarme en mi aventura
Ya sea que nos lleve a la siguiente cuadra, o a cientos de kilómetros de aquí
Pero te pido que sea conmigo, ya sea con sol o luna
Pero juntos
Lo que no entendiste es que mi aventura  es la tuya, y que te pido que la tuya sea la mía
Que mientras estés conmigo no importa nada mas
Siempre y cuando aceptes y lo quieras de verdad

fantasma

Justo digo todo esta en mi mente! Y esto sucede!

Como no sentirme mal si me haces sentir como un fantasma? Como si me ocultaras? Como si te olvidaras de mi tan solo aparece cualquier otra persona?
El tener que presentarme yo por que no lo haces tu hasta se siente mal,
Pienso será que no me ven?
Seré tan solo un fantasma enamorado?
Siguiéndote de lugar en lugar con mi corazón en mano
Tratando de captar tu atención
Tratando de hacer que me ames

Tratando de buscarle explicación y justificación a todo esto
Pienso será que solo no eres expresivo
Que va!!
Solo conmigo no

Entonces es verdad

O te da pena
O solo no es en serio
Y que mejor forma de no tener que dar explicaciones que simplemente negarme
Hacerme ausente
Solo no aceptarme en tu vida

Y la idiota romántica sigue soñando contigo
Sigue esperando su cuento de hadas
Espera sentada al príncipe azul que prometiste
El que sabe que no llegara
El que siente que no merece

Y a donde se fueron tantos años de levantar muros?
Tantos años de trabajar en mi, de hacerme fuerte
Para dejarte entrar, tirando muros, rompiendo piedras
Escuchando y creyendo esas palabras tan dulces que decías
Esas miradas que lograron hacerme creer

Y ahora tener que luchar por un te quiero bien escrito
Tratando de que evites mal escribirlo, por que se que eso es trampa,
Eso es decirlo sin decirlo
Decirlo sin sentirlo

Y ahora me quedo, enamorada, sola, triste, y tratando de sostener los pedazos de mi que caen al vacío
Y no se que hacer
No te puedo leer
Que haces de mi?
Que soy yo para ti?

Un fantasma intruso, molesto y vergonzoso

Y te quiero platicar mi dia
Quiero contarte cada idea, cada pensamiento por absurdo que sea
Quiero que sepas que pienso en ti, y que es a ti a quien quiero invitar a mi mente

Pero los silencios se vuelven cada vez mas largos,
Siento que presiono demasiado, que te canso
Trato de controlar la urgencia de decirte que una abeja volo frente a mi
Por que creo que algo ya cambio en ti

Pasas segundos vigilando quien habla
Pero cuando estamos lejos a mi no me toca tu atencion
Cosa que me va dejando vacia, poco a poco me acaba
Que paso? Que hice mal?

Tus visitas se sienten forzadas, tu atencion obligada hacia otro tema que no soy yo
Donde quedo cuando hablabamos?
Cuando expresabas tanto por mi?
Los dias que me habias sentir que volaba de nuevo, que tocaba la Luna y regresaba?

Hice mal yo?
Se acabo la magia asi de rapido?
Te diste cuenta que fue un error?
O dime que esta pasando!

Mend me

I've forgotten how to trust
I was screwed up so bad, hard as I try, my mind keeps wondering off
Soo many messed up relationships, yet I could still get up
And then I met my breaking point
And then my pieces where scattered all over the place

Now, try as I may, I seem to be missing what little strength I used to have
What magical world I could escape to and fix myself
I can see the door, but it won't open
I try, I really try, but yet it creeps in the back of my mind
What ever evil took me down once, keeps scratching, and scratching

I miss believing in fairy tales
I miss waiting for my Prince Charming
Now what comes to mind when I try to think of a happy ever after,
Is how bad I'm I going to screw this up?
And how long before he leaves me?

I keep trying a calming way
Finding a place where I can be without my head
Stillness comes as I lay there, feeling the sweet breeze wash my tears away
I watch the trees dance to a melodic song
I can feel the sun caressing my skin as I close my eyes and just let go

The one thing I can be sure, is being with you does give me hope
Touching you does make me smile
Laying next to you I drift to a magical place where I once used to live
Holding you can shout up the meanest of my demons
But still not one is killed or vanished, they lay dormant for the time being, just waiting to get me alone

mind derailing

Mi mente mi mente mi mente mi mente
No pensara en nada mientras se mantenga ocupada
Analizará cada situación aun cuan diminuta cuando este abandonada
Por que dejarme ser si puede jugar tan cruel conmigo?
Pero siendo ella quien escribe esto...será real lo que pienso?
Y así permanecera, dará vueltas, giros completos, y solo regresará al mismo punto, sin respuesta, sin solución
No puedo reclamar ya que la puerta está ahí, me la señala, la deja iluminada, pero no del todo abierta
Puedes preguntar...sal de la duda, veras que son cosas mías, que solo es paranoia
Y si no?

Y si tengo razón? Ya viste la lógica detrás de cada pensamiento obsesivo
Ya te explique por que pasan las cosas
Pregunta, sacate la duda

Y sonríe

Sabe que no puedo, sabe que me retuerzo por dentro de tan solo pensar en eso, sabe que tiene razón, se que tiene razon
Si todos hacemos lo mismo, todos hacemos eso, tu lo hiciste, ves? Tengo razón
Pregunta, tu solo pregunta, y observa la respuesta orgánica que te dará lo que necesitabas, sabrás que tengo razón
Por que la respuesta verbal será mentira, lo sabes, lo se

Y termina con un: buenas noches, descansa...si puedes

My moon

Let the clouds settle, let the moon rise
Return my spirit to where it once was
Let me smile, a sincere smile, I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of crying
Help me be who I once used to be
Help to touch the moon once more
I'll give my wings one more try, make them not crumble beneath the weight
The light once shown upon me, be my guide, my path
O moon who once ruled me, be kind, be fair
Your story untold, stopped, at hoult, once more be told, written down it will be told

Mask

Lets continue to hide under a mask, the one that makes everything easier, the one that makes everything go away. Let's smile and joke and pretend we're happy, forget that everything's wrong. Let's accumulate everything deep, deep under, don't let anything get away.

Laika

in a numb state, getting for the second time in my life why people say would have doesnt exist
keep wishing i could close my eyes and wake up yesterday, just run down stairs, or look through the window, or kept on walking, yelling, kept on driving
i keep thinking maybe i should of walked/drove one more block, one more, and i would of found her
my heart keeps telling me someone will call, someone with a heart, a good heart will find her and call
my head tells me what i already know, the more hours go by, the less chances of ever finding her, of ever seeing her again
she was part of my plan, we were going to go away together, she was going to see the snow for the first time, get it tangled in her hair, jump in and out, have the time of her life, then dry off and sit by the fire (heat), we were going to go together on that plain, everything was going to be ok, because we were together, we had each other
and now all i want to do is sit still, go out again, keep driving, and then i start  crying again, it stops, and i cant feel anything
maybe thats for the best, i dont feel pain, but i  think of ending everything again, i tell myself someone will call, i will find her, i just need to keep going, see if i still have a job, eat (i keep forgetting)
and then i cry again
i tried doing my thing, one year of yoga, i was exited for today, i started a 30 day challenge, i tried, and i started crying again, how can i go on with my life if she is not here? she is not there to greet me and on standing bend, she doesnt lick the sweat of my face, she doesnt try to play when i do a low plank
im cold, then i forget
i want to sleep and i cant
i hug my other dogs, they are not at fault, but then i cry again
i keep going outside, all the way to the street, shell be there, trying to figure out which way to go, shell see me, shell run
but its empty
i cant scream anymore
my knee hurts, my arms hurt, my feet hurt
i dont know what to do