He worked most of the day, then he went home, eat a meal without flavor, watched the t.v. show that wasn’t funny, yet he laughed when needed, and then he went to bed.
He was engaged, but he didn’t quite know why. It just had been that next step. He said he was in love, he had to be, there was just no other way. He had learned to trick his mind in to believing that, since it had been him who took the choice of that “next step”. He knew (wanted to believe) he was right.
He had put his dreams on hold for more than four years, promising himself that it was the only way of getting them done. He had graduated and started working immediately, he knew it wasn’t much, but it was the first step, and he wanted to start a family in the future, soo he needed a steady relationship, and he needed to feel that he could provide for them.
He once had dreamed of going away, of getting his MD, he wanted his own business, a good one, a big one. But if he left, she wouldn’t follow, if he left, she wouldn’t wait. At heart he didn’t care, he sometimes hoped she would go, but she meant family, she was there right now, if she left, he didn’t know what would happen, and he was too scared to find out. She was a comfort, she meant “safe”.
He had told himself a couple of times “this” wasn’t “it”, he said it was love, he proclaimed it was, but he didn’t feel right, he knew what love was, he had known it, lived it, long ago, now it was gone, a distant memory of his past, and yet, it wasn’t soo long ago he had loved, maybe he still did, but he knew she was long gone.
He continued to look in the mirror, a face too old, he felt soo tired, too worn out, and he had just realized it. He brushed his teeth and finished to get ready, he was going out, without his girlfriend, for the first time in what seemed too long. He was going out to see his past.